A Free Resource
Clarify your values.
The ones that are actually yours.
You're here because something in you is asking a real question. Not what should I value — but what do I actually value? What's the compass beneath all the noise? This page will help you find it.
What's on this page
- What values actually are — and what they aren't
- Why finding your values is harder than it sounds
- The difference between values and needs
- A real discovery exercise you can do right now
- The gap between knowing and living your values
- Curated resources worth your time
- Common questions, honestly answered
Part 1
What values actually are — and what they aren't
Most definitions of values sound like this: core beliefs that guide behavior. Which is accurate, and also not particularly useful when you're trying to actually find yours.
Here's a more honest way to think about it:
Values are the principles you're willing to organize your life around — not in theory, but in practice. The ones that, when violated, create something closer to a sense of betrayal than simple discomfort.
A preference is something you'd choose if it were easy. A value is something you choose even when it costs you something. That distinction matters more than most values frameworks acknowledge.
Values aren't aspirational ideals — the qualities you admire in others or would like to embody someday. They aren't goals, which are destinations you move toward. They aren't personality traits, which describe how you tend to show up. And they aren't rules, which constrain from the outside.
Values are already yours. They're not installed through exercises or chosen from lists. They're discovered — by looking honestly at what actually moves you, what genuinely angers you, what you consistently protect even when it's inconvenient, what you recognize as true in your gut before your mind has time to argue with it.
Intrinsic vs. extrinsic values
There are two broad categories worth understanding:
Intrinsic values arise from within and are pursued for their own sake — not for external reward or validation. Things like growth, connection, integrity, creativity, love, contribution. When you live in alignment with intrinsic values, there's a felt sense of rightness that doesn't depend on anyone else's approval.
Extrinsic values are organized around external recognition — status, approval, achievement, wealth as an end in itself. These aren't inherently wrong. But when extrinsic values become the primary compass, they tend to deliver diminishing returns. You achieve, and the feeling fades faster than expected. You succeed, and something still feels off.
The work of finding your values is largely the work of distinguishing between the two — and gently clearing away what was assigned to you by culture, family, or fear, so you can find what's genuinely yours beneath it.
A note on language
Throughout this page, when I say "values," I mean intrinsic values — the deeply rooted guiding principles that reflect who you actually are, not who you think you should be. That's the territory we're working in here.
Part 2
Why finding your values is harder than it sounds
You'd think this would be simple. You know yourself. You've lived your life. Surely you know what matters to you.
Sometimes, yes. But often the picture is murkier than expected — for a few reasons worth naming.
We inherit values before we choose them
Long before we're old enough to examine what we actually believe, we've absorbed the values of our families, our culture, our religion, our earliest communities. Some of those values will resonate deeply when you look at them clearly — they were genuinely yours all along. Others won't. They were assigned, not chosen. And the work of distinguishing between them takes real honesty.
Protective patterns obscure authentic values
When we've been hurt — when vulnerability led to rejection, when honesty led to punishment, when standing for something led to loss — we adapt. We learn to protect ourselves in ways that can quietly override our deeper values. We say we value honesty, but we soften the truth when conflict feels threatening. We say we value courage, but we shrink when the cost becomes real.
This isn't hypocrisy. It's the nervous system doing its job. But it does mean that finding your authentic values sometimes requires looking past the protective layer to what's underneath it.
Unmet needs can look like values
This is subtle and important enough to have its own section — coming next. But briefly: when core psychological needs go unmet for long enough, we can start organizing our lives around meeting them in ways that feel like values. The distinction matters, and it's workable once you can see it.
"Many of the struggles we face — stress, burnout, self-doubt, lack of fulfillment — stem from an unconscious disconnection from our core values. Without clarity on what truly matters, we risk chasing external markers of success while feeling unfulfilled inside."
An honest note
Circling words on a list and completing a values assessment are useful starting points — but they're beginnings, not answers. This page will help you go further. The goal is embodied clarity: values you can feel in your body, not just name in your head.
Part 3
The difference between values and needs
This distinction is one of the most clarifying things in values work — and one of the least discussed.
Needs are the fundamental conditions for wellbeing. They're universal — every human being shares them. The need for safety. For belonging and connection. For autonomy — the ability to make meaningful choices. For competence. For meaning and purpose. When needs are met, we move toward openness and expansion. When they're chronically unmet, we move toward protection and survival.
Values are the principles you're willing to organize your life around. They're deeply personal — yours won't look exactly like anyone else's, even someone raised in the same family. They reflect something essential about who you are.
The reason this distinction matters in practice:
When a deep need goes unmet — for security, for belonging, for feeling worthy — we can unconsciously elevate meeting that need to the level of a value. Someone with a chronically unmet safety need might list security as their top value and organize their entire life around avoiding risk. Someone whose belonging need was threatened early might list approval or harmony as core values — and wonder why they feel hollow even when they're liked by everyone.
The need is real. But the value as stated may be more about protection than genuine preference. And living from protection feels fundamentally different from living from values — even when the behaviors look similar from the outside.
How to tell the difference
Ask yourself: If this need were fully met — if I felt genuinely safe, genuinely loved, genuinely enough — would I still organize my life around this principle?
If yes, it's likely a genuine value. If the answer is uncertain, or if the principle feels more like a strategy for survival than a source of meaning, it may be worth looking underneath it.
This isn't about judging what you find. It's about seeing it clearly — so you can make more intentional choices about what you're actually living for.
Key distinction
Needs — universal, essential conditions for wellbeing. Safety, belonging, autonomy, competence, meaning.
Values — deeply personal principles you're willing to organize your life around. What you'd choose even when it costs you something.
Both matter. Understanding the difference between them is where authentic values work begins.
Part 4 — The Exercise
A real discovery process you can begin right now
What follows isn't a list to circle. It's a genuine first step in the Heart of Values Discovery Process — the same framework at the core of the Heart of Values guide. You can do this now, with a journal or a blank document open beside you. Take your time with each step. This isn't something to rush.
- Think of two or three moments in your life when you felt most alive, most like yourself, most in alignment with something that mattered. They don't need to be grand. A quiet conversation. A decision that cost you something but felt right. A moment of genuine contribution. Write about each one briefly — what was happening, what you were doing, who you were being.
- Now think of two or three moments of the opposite — when you felt most out of alignment, most hollow, most like you'd betrayed something. Again, not necessarily dramatic. Write briefly about each one.
- Read back what you wrote. In the moments of alignment, what was present? What were you honoring — about yourself, about others, about what matters? In the moments of hollowness, what was absent or violated? Look for the patterns underneath the specific events.
- From what you've written, name three to five words or phrases that seem to appear in the moments of alignment. Don't overthink the language — write what comes first. These are initial candidates for your values, not final answers.
What would I do differently if I trusted that these values were worth the cost? When I imagine living more fully from these principles — what changes? What becomes possible? What becomes unnecessary?
- Take the candidate values you named in Step 1. Read each one slowly, one at a time. As you read each word, notice what happens in your body before your mind has time to analyze it. Is there a sense of expansion — a slight opening, a feeling of recognition? Or does it feel flat, neutral, or vaguely obligatory?
- The values that create expansion — that feel like a genuine yes somewhere in your chest or gut — are pointing toward something real. The ones that feel flat may be inherited, aspirational, or need-driven rather than genuinely yours.
- This isn't about eliminating candidates — it's about sensing which ones have life in them for you. Mark the ones that resonated most. Sit with any that surprised you.
Does this value make my heart expand? Do I feel a deep, undeniable recognition in my body? Does living this value make me feel more whole, more alive, more true to myself?
- Look at your resonant values from the first two exercises. You likely have five to eight. Now comes the harder work: prioritizing. In real life, values compete. Honesty and harmony pull in different directions. Courage and security don't always coexist. Loyalty and truth sometimes conflict. Knowing your hierarchy matters more than knowing your list.
- Ask yourself: If I could only live by one of these values for the rest of my life — which one would I choose? This question isn't meant to be answered quickly. It's meant to be felt. What rises?
- That value — the one that feels like it would orient everything else — is your north star value. Not the only value that matters. But the one that lights the way when the others pull in different directions.
- Write it down. Write a sentence or two about what it means to you specifically — not a dictionary definition, but what it means in your life, in your relationships, in how you want to move through the world.
In dark moments, when I've felt most lost — what value has actually guided me back? What is the one thing I would not want to look back and see I had abandoned?
A note on the values word list
Sometimes it helps to have language in front of you — not to choose from, but to use as a prompt when you can sense a value but can't quite name it. Here are some words that commonly arise in this work. Let them spark recognition rather than selection.
This list is a starting point, not a boundary. Your value may be a word that doesn't appear here. Trust what resonates over what's offered.
Part 5
The gap between knowing your values and living them
Here is something worth sitting with: you can complete every exercise on this page, name your values with confidence, and still find yourself betraying them under pressure. Not because you're weak. Not because the work wasn't real. But because knowing and living are two different capacities — and the distance between them is where most values work quietly falls short.
Think about a recent moment where you knew the right thing — and didn't do it. Not dramatically. Just a small moment where you softened the truth, stayed quiet when something needed to be said, went along when you knew better. Most people, when they sit with that question honestly, can name one without trying.
That gap is real. And it's largely physiological, not motivational.
Your nervous system has learned — through real experience, often painful experience — what's safe. If honesty has ever been met with rejection, it learned: soften the truth. If holding a boundary led to abandonment, it learned: appease. If standing for something led to humiliation, it learned: shrink. These aren't character flaws. They're intelligent adaptations. And they run quietly in the background, shaping choices you think are yours.
Values don't make life easier. They make it clearer. And clarity, over time, builds the kind of courage that grit alone never could.
Closing the gap between knowing and living requires something beyond insight. It requires small, repeated acts of alignment — moments where you choose your value even when the protective pull is real. Each of those moments teaches your nervous system something new: that living what matters is survivable. That honesty can coexist with connection. That a boundary doesn't have to mean the end of belonging.
This is the work that goes deeper than finding your values. It's the work of learning to trust them. And it's available — through practice, through reflection, and for those who want structured support, through coaching.
One small practice — the one-degree shift
You don't need to overhaul your life to begin living your values more fully. You need to make one choice today that's slightly more aligned with what you actually value. One degree. Then again tomorrow. The accumulation of those small moves — over weeks, over months — is what reorganizes things. Not as discipline. As identity.
Ask yourself: What is one small, values-aligned move I could make today that I've been avoiding? Write it down. Do it. Notice how it feels.
Part 6 — Curated Resources
What's actually worth your time
There's no shortage of values content on the internet. Most of it is lists and assessments. What follows is a short, carefully chosen set of resources — tools, books, and one guide I wrote myself — that I'd genuinely recommend to someone doing serious values work. Each one earns its place for a specific reason.
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Guide
The Heart of Values — Self Leadership Guide
The guide I wrote for this work — 174 pages, in two parts. Part One is deeply reflective and philosophically grounded, covering the discovery process, the needs/values distinction, purpose, and values-aligned communication. Part Two is a rich set of practices to embody what Part One uncovers. Not a workbook to complete — a guide to return to. For individuals, coaches, and therapists.
This is the natural next step from the exercises on this page. The free Starter Kit below gives you a taste of what's inside.
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Assessment
Core Values Finder — Find Your Values
Developed by Vivid Ground, and referenced in The Heart of Values, this is one of the most rigorously validated values assessments available. It goes beyond word selection to explore how your values actually show up in behavior and goals. Useful as a complement to reflective work, not a replacement for it.
A paid tool, but among the most substantive assessments in this space.
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Assessment
VIA Character Strengths Survey
The VIA Survey identifies character strengths — which aren't quite the same as values, but are deeply related. Understanding your strengths often illuminates your values from a different angle, and vice versa. The basic survey is free and takes about fifteen minutes. Worth doing alongside values work.
Free version available. Guy uses an affiliate link that supports HeartRich at no extra cost to you.
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Book
Daring Greatly — Brené Brown
Brown's research on vulnerability, shame, and wholehearted living is directly relevant to values work — specifically to the question of why we struggle to live our values when they feel costly. Her chapter on values in Dare to Lead is also worth seeking out: she argues that most people can't name their top two values, and that this gap is at the root of most leadership failures.
Available wherever books are sold.
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Book
Atomic Habits — James Clear
Clear's work on identity-based habits is a useful companion to values embodiment — specifically his argument that lasting behavioral change requires a shift in how we see ourselves, not just what we do. His framing of "every action is a vote for the type of person you want to become" maps cleanly onto the one-degree shift practice. The limitation: his framework is motivational where this work is more psychological. Use it for the habit mechanics; use values work for the direction.
Available wherever books are sold.
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HeartRich
Values — HeartRich Pillar Page
A deep-dive into values as lived commitments — covering the knowing/living gap, how values connect to needs and emotions, how values-aligned communication works, and how values expand your resilience. Free, on the HeartRich.ca site, and worth reading in full if this page has resonated.
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HeartRich
You Need to Value Your Needs and Values — Essay
A long-form essay on the intersection of needs, values, authenticity, and wellbeing — including the nervous system science behind why we disconnect from our values, and what it actually takes to live from them. One of the most substantive pieces on the HeartRich blog.
The Values Clarity Starter Kit
A focused PDF practice drawn from the Heart of Values framework — designed to give you a real first step, not a preview. Plus five days of gentle, genuine values work delivered to your inbox.
- The One-Degree Shift practice — start living your values today
- Three Soul-Stirring Provocations to help you find what you actually live by
- A guide to the knowing/living gap — the distinction that changes everything
- Five days of real values work via the Heart of Values Starter Series
For individuals doing values work, and for coaches and therapists looking for a structured first step to share with clients.
Part 7 — Common Questions
Honestly answered
How do I find my core values if I've already done assessments and nothing stuck?
Assessments surface language — which is useful. But language isn't the same as embodied clarity. What tends to make values real and durable is connecting them to your actual lived experience: the moments where you felt most aligned, most betrayed, most like yourself. The discovery exercises on this page are a different kind of entry point than a survey — they work backward from your life rather than forward from a list.
What's the difference between values and goals?
Goals are destinations — things you move toward and eventually reach or don't. Values are more like directions of travel. You don't complete them. You live from them, or you don't. A goal might be to have an honest conversation with someone difficult in your life. The value underneath it is honesty, or courage, or integrity — and that value will still be relevant the day after the conversation, and the week after, and for the rest of your life.
Can my values change over time?
The deepest intrinsic values tend to be relatively stable — they're expressions of something essential in you, not preferences shaped by circumstance. What changes more often is your clarity about them, your ability to live them, and the relative priority between them as life changes. Growth often involves shedding values that were never genuinely yours — inherited rather than chosen — and coming into clearer relationship with what was always there underneath.
I know what I value. Why do I keep acting against my own values under pressure?
Because knowing and living are different capacities — and the gap between them is largely physiological, not motivational. Your nervous system has learned, through real experience, what's safe. If living a particular value has ever cost you something significant — connection, approval, security — your system built a protective response around it. That response doesn't care about your insight. It cares about what it learned felt threatening. Closing the gap requires not just clearer values but also building the internal safety to act on them when the cost is real.
What's the difference between values clarification and values coaching?
Values clarification — the process on this page, in books, in assessments — helps you identify and name your values. Values coaching goes further: it works with the patterns, beliefs, and protective responses that make living your values difficult, and supports you in building the capacity to embody them under real pressure. For many people, the clarification work is genuinely transformative on its own. For others — particularly those navigating significant stress, transitions, or long-standing patterns — working with a coach accelerates and deepens the process considerably.
How is this page connected to HeartRich.ca?
This page is part of the HeartRich ecosystem — a growing body of work on Self Leadership, resilience, and authentic living created by Guy Reichard. The Heart of Values guide, the coaching work, and the broader frameworks all live at HeartRich.ca. This page exists as a free resource for anyone asking the question — regardless of whether they ever go further. The work is available to you at whatever depth feels right.
About this page
This resource was written by Guy Reichard — Executive Self Leadership Coach, founder of HeartRich Coaching, and author of The Heart of Values and How to Talk Amongst Your Selves. Guy has been coaching since 2009 and has worked with hundreds of leaders, professionals, and thoughtful adults navigating the work of becoming more themselves.
This page is free, deliberately so, and will remain that way. If it's useful to you, share it. If you want to go deeper, the guide and the coaching are both available at HeartRich.ca.